Humans are Weird
by Padawan Maxine Skywalker
Summary: Based off of the Humans are Weird posts on tumblr
1. Teeth

"Ugh..." Pidge groaned as she moved her jaw back and forth. Shiro looked up from his tablet.

"You alright there Pidge?"

"Ugh. Yes. My wisdom teeth are just coming in and it hurts like hell. Really wish I had some gum. Hunk was helping me make some, but apparently the noise I was making was really distracting and I got kicked out."

Allura frowned.

"Your wisdom teeth are coming in? What do you mean by that?"

Pidge leaned her head back to look at Allura. Then she opened her mouth, sticking her fingers in it to hold it open and point at something.

"Sey? Theth a wy withdon theeth. Dey a coning in an if weally hats."

"Pardon? I'm afraid I can't understand any of what you are saying."

Pidge removed her fingers.

"Sorry. Did you see where I was pointing though? The little bit of tooth coming out from my gums in the very back? Those are my wisdom teeth. Humans get them when they're around my age."

"Oh. I see. Altaens get their teeth during their first two years of life."

Shiro laughed and smiled at the princess.

"We do too. Our baby teeth, anyway."

"Baby teeth?"

"Sometimes they're called milk teeth. Technically, them name for them is deciduous teeth." Pidge corrected. "They're the first set of teeth we get. We start losing them when we're around six or seven years old. Then we start growing our permanent teeth, which most just refer to as adult teeth. After that our wisdom teeth start coming in."

Allura stared at them, looking rather pale.

"Don't you mean to tell me that all of your teeth fall out a when you are young, and then new teeth come in?"

Shiro and Pidge looked at each other, then shrugged.

"I mean… yeah. Basically." Shiro stated.

Allura stared at them wide-eyed.

"I… Alright then. I'm going to just- go to the bridge! Yes. Go to the bridge. I will speak with the two of you later."

The two paladins watched her leave. Shiro turned to face Pidge.

"It's not that weird… is it?"

"I don't know. I mean, it doesn't seem weird, but when you say it out loud it kind sounds weird. I mean, all our teeth fall out as children and then they grow back stronger. That kinda sounds like it's made up."

"I guess."

Suddenly, Hunk ran into the room.

"Pidge! I made you the space gum! It's kinda got a wacky flavor, like a mix of cherry and bubblegum, and I can't say that the flavors going to last more than an hour, but it should help with the ache!"

Pidge stood up and hugged the Samoan.

"Hunk I love you so much right now. Gimme. Please. Gimme."

Hunk grinned and handed her something that looked like a lemon tootsie roll. Pidge popped it her mouth and began chewing with a smile.

"Thanks Hunk. This is amazing. Mmmm."

"No problem. Glad I could help."

Shiro watched the two with a smile. Then Hunk turned to face him.

"By the way... on my way here Allura sprinted by me. Either of you know what that's about?"

Shiro and Pidge shared a grin and laughed.

"Sit down, and let us fill you in on what happened just before you got here…"


	2. Touch

"Guys! Guys! Keith and the Blades of Marmora are going to be here in just a sec!" Lance yelled, sliding into the common area. Hunk, Pidge, and Shiro looked up from their homemade game of Space Monopoly.

"Really? Great. I've missed him." Shiro said, standing up. "C'mon. Let's go and greet them."

The four young friends quickly left to go see their well-missed teammate.

The Paladins and Coran stood in the hanger bay, watching as the Blades of Marmora walked toward them.

"Princess." Kolivan greeted.

"Kolivan. It's good to see you. Hello Antok, hello Keith." Allura responded. The other two nodded in acknowledgement, while two unfamiliar galra in full Blade uniform stood behind the group.

"It would be much appreciated if we could talk with you, Princess."

"Of course! We can head up to the control room. Shiro, Lance, Hunk, Pidge, how about you four talk with Keith? I know that you have missed him."

Shiro stepped forward, giving a soft glance to his surrogate younger brother.

"That would be wonderful, Allura. Thank you."

The Altaen princess smiled at him, before leading Coran and the galra to the control room. The moment they were out of sight, Shiro walked towards Keith and gently set his hands on the younger boy's shoulders. Then, to the surprise of all, Keith threw his arms around Shiro and began to sob. Shiro stood there startled for a moment, before gently petting the head of dark hair.

"Keith? What's wro- ah. The galra aren't real fond of touch, Are they?"

Keith shook his head. Shiro gave a sad smile, before looking at the others.

"Alright guys. I'm going to take Keith here, and we're going to get changed into some comfy clothing. I advise that you all do the same. Also, grab all your pillows and blankets. Pidge, grab your laptop. You have movies downloaded on it, yeah? We're going to need those. Reconvene in the common area in ten."

Ten minutes later found the five of them lounging on a nest of blankets and pillows, all wearing sweatpants, socks, and T-shirts. The boys were laying in a row, drinking a version of Space Hot Chocolate that Hunk had whipped up, while Pidge set up a movie.

"So what movie are you guys thinking? I've got a bunch of them."

"Something happy." Shiro stated.

"Star Wars!" Lance yelled.

"No."

"Moana?" Hunk offered.

"Hmmm. No, but I like the idea of something Disney."

"Like a family movie?"

"Brave is good."

"We watched Brave last week, Pidge."

"Ugh. Fine. Spoilsport. What about… Lilo and Stitch? Or Coco?"

"Those are good ideas. What do you think, Keith?"

Keith looked up from his spot beneath Shiro's arm. He frowned, leaning towards Lance as the Cuban continued massaging his head.

"I like Coco. It's just earth. No- ya know- aliens. Not that I don't like a lot of the aliens we've met. It's just-"

"You don't want to be reminded of it every second. I know what you mean. Coco it is."

By the time they were a third of the movie in, they had given up on just laying next to each other. Lance was spooning Keith, who was not so discreetly playing a game of footsie with Pidge, who was enjoying the fact that Shiro was giving her an amazing backrub, while Hunk braided her hair, having already finished doing the same to Lance and Keith. Lance was pestering Keith for some of his hot cocoa, having finished his own much earlier. The argument ended after Shiro told them to shush, his own eyes never leaving the screen.

Allura, Coran, and the Blades of Marmora walked in as Miguel sang Remember Me to Coco. Shiro was the only one still awake, tears falling down his cheeks as he pet Keith's braided hair. The aliens blushed when they noticed the sleeping teens and the crying Black Paladin. Coran began to apologize, despite most of the group being asleep.

"Ah! So sorry to walk in on you all liked this. If we were aware that you were engaged in a human bonding ritual, we never would have came this way. Never met time interrupt."

Shiro looked away from the screen and smiled at Coran, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.

"Its not really a ritual. In fact, we would have offered you to join us, had we thought you were interested. Just… none of you really seem like the touchy-feely type, and Keith really needed it."

Kolivan frowned at him.

"What did he need? I admit that there is much that we don't understand about human biology, but I believe that we are giving him appropriate rations and resting hours."

Shiro gave a silent laugh.

"This doesn't have to do with food or sleep. It's about touch. Humans need it to survive. If we don't we become touch-starved, which _really_ badly affects our mental health. So yeah, touch is pretty important, hence us all curled up here. The movie and cocoa are just for fun, as to why they're sleeping… I'm going to attribute that to emotions and being teenagers. I'll probably fall asleep soon too, provided we don't have to move."

Kolivan had turned his attention to the sleeping half-galra in his care while Shiro was speaking and was now gazing at him with a thoughtful expression.

"I… was not aware of this. Very well. I will now do my utmost to ensure that Keith receives all of the _touch_ that he needs. Thank you for informing me."

"Of course." Shiro replied with a small smile. Allura cleared her throat.

"Excuse me but what movie is this? I'm not familiar with it."

"Coco. It's almost over, but you're welcome to watch the rest of it with me. "

"If you don't mind."

"Not at all."

By the time Keith had woken up, Coco was long since finished, the galra and the altaens had both left, and Shiro was fast asleep. Keith smiled, looking at his sleeping friends, and laid back down. Maybe just a few more minutes…


	3. Cosmetics & Cosplay

Chapter 3: Cosmetics and Cosplay

Keith stood ramrod straight next to his mother, Krolia, as Kolivan outlined a mission. As he finished, Krolia spoke up.

"I understand the plan and the necessity of his mission, what I don't understand is who will go on it. Anybody who won't be immediately recognized is already deep undercover, and we can't afford to pull anyone out. And there's no way to avoid the social gathering, that's how we will get the codes and co-ordinates! So who do you have in mind."

"That's one of the reasons I gathered you here. I'm not sure. I was hoping one of you might have an idea on who I could send."

Keith stared at the projection hard, running a list through his head of all the members of the Blade of Marmorra he knew. Suddenly, an idea popped into his head, causing him to internally groan. Sighing, he spoke up.

"I could go."

Everyone in the room turned to stare at him, causing his ears to turn bright red.

"Keith, I don't doubt your capabilities, and Kolivan will likely allow you to go on the mission if you'd like, but we need someone to pose as a Galra officer for the social gathering, and while you did inherit many things from me… appearance wise, you take after your father. Not to mention, as a former paladin of Voltron, your face is one of the most wiely recognized in the galaxy."

"I know, but this mission isn't for another month, right?" I know a way to do it. Just get me in contact with Voltron."

At his words, Kolivan and Krolia shared a look, before Kolivan addressed him.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

"Very well. You're on this one. We'll contact Voltron after this meeting."

A month later found Keith, Krolia, and Kolivan aboard the Castle, much to the excitement of its inhabitants. Following some joyful greetings,(Keith) amusing greetings, (Krolia) and awkward greetings (Kolivan), Pidge bounded over to the large, male, Galra with enough glee to make Keith feel unsafe.

"Do you have the outfit he needs to wear?"

Kolivan nodded and handed over the bag to the smirking brunette girl.

"Great! No worries, Keith'll look like a Galra by lunch tomorrow. C'mon, Keith! We have work to do."

"Hey Keith, can you stop fidgeting? It makes this a lot more difficult?" Hunk asked, squeezing Keith's hair with gloved hands.

"Sorry. It's just kinda itchy. And cold."

Hunk winced.

"Sorry man. I think I got some of the dye on your scalp. It'll itch for a bit. I'm almost done though! After this we're gonna put a plastic shower cap on you so the dye doesn't go everywhere. The rest will have to wait until tomorrow."

"Okay. Just one question."

"Yes?"

"Why are _they_ here?"

Sure enough, Shiro, Pidge, and Lance were sitting in chairs at the edge of the room. Shiro was the first to respond

"I consider you my younger brother, and as such a consider it my duty to not only look after you and advise you, but also to embarrass you and make you feel uncomfortable anytime I see a good opportunity."

Pidge smirked.

"I'm the honorary younger sister of all of you, and as such I am entitled to do the same."

"I'm just here in case Hunk needs help. Also, I want to see you with a purple mullet. It's going to be hilarious."

Keith let out a deep breath through his nose.

"Thanks guys."

The following morning Keith was quite literally dragged out of bed by the fellow humans on board. The group then proceeded in throwing the half-galra into the shower, combing and blow-drying his hair, and fitting him into the undergarments of his disguise.

"Where to begin, where to begin…" Pidge muttered, rocking on the balls of her feet.

"Probably should start by getting his hair out of the way." Lance suggested.

"Right!"

Keith's hair was then put into a ponytail, his bangs pinned back by a large assortment of hairclips.

"Nails next?" Hunk asked, holding up a set of fake nails.

"Hm… yes, you get on that. Shiro, can you start attaching the ears? They're over on that table. Lance, begin applying the facepaint. His skin needs to look purple. Keith! Such on these candies. And don't move. This is gonna be awesome. "

"Yeah." Keith muttered around a grape candy. "For all of you."

It took nearly two hours, but eventually they finished. The four Paladins surveyed Keith.

"Good job team! He looks _great._ "

"Agreed." Shiro said, his camera flashing.

"Okay. Just for the last few touches…"

"There's more?!" Keith yelled."

"Not much buddy." Hunk replied. "Just need you to put these in… and these… and we need to take the ponytail and clips out."

"oh. Okay then. Can I go to the mirror to do that then?"

"Yeah, go ahead."

Keith quickly fixed his appearance, combing his fingers through his hair before scowling.

"These claws are a pain."

Lance rolled his eyes.

"Well, c'mon man, let us see!"

Keith turned around. The Paladins ooo-ed and aah-ed at his appearance. Lance grabbed his arm.

"Well c'mon, let's go show everyone else!"

"Yeah!"

Pidge cleared her throat.

"Ahem. Please, ladies and gentlemen…"

"May we present…"

"The one, the only,"

"Keith! Galra version."

Hunk and Shiro both face-palmed at their teammates' antics, while Allura, Coran, Kolivan, and Krolia stared wide-eyed.

Keith walked out from behind the wall, looking very uncomfortable. He was dressed in the uniform of a high-ranking Galra officer, which shouldn't be so odd. What _was_ odd was the slight violet tint to his hair, the pointed ears, the inch-long claws, the yellow sclera, the sharp teeth, the purple skin and the dark, triangular markings on his cheeks, which matched his mother's perfectly.

The Altaens and the Galra gaped at his appearance. Krolia walked forward, her hands drifting over her son.

"I… How… He… Keith, you look like _me._ How? I-"

Pidge smirked.

"Cosmetics and years of cosplay, that's how!"

All the non-humans in the room stared at her. She shrugged her shoulders.

"What? I've had plenty of practice. Matt and I went to Comic-Con every year before the Kerberos mission. It's just dye, face paint, fake nails, fake teeth, fake ears, nail polish, and special colored contacts. Matt and I invented those years ago. Don't worry, they're perfectly safe."

"He looks like a Galra." Kolivan stated. Lance frowned.

"Well, yeah. That's what you wanted, right?"

"Yes. Thank you Paladins. We must go now, if the mission is to be a success."

"That's to bad. It was good seeing you all! Bye Keith!"

"See you Keith. Next time maybe you can stay longer."

"Be safe Keith. You too, Krolia, Kolivan."

"Seeya Keith. Don't get killed out there!"

"It was wonderful to see you all again. Stay in contact!"

"Be careful out there, Keith! Watch out for those nasty Galra soldiers!"

"Good-bye, all of you! Thanks! See you later!"

After the Blades of Marmora left, Allura turned to her fellow paladins.

"Why didn't you tell us that humans were masters of disguise?!"


	4. Foods part 1

Lance groaned, rubbing his head.

"Uh, hey guys? Where are we?"

Shiro, Allura, Hunk and Pidge all sat up, also groaning.

"I- I believe we are in some sort of cell." Allura said.

"Joy." Hunk muttered. "We've been captured again."

"Any idea who did this?" Pidge asked.

"Not the Galra. I know what those cells look like." Shiro stated.

 _Thwchk_

The paladins all turned towards the door, where a pair of unfamiliar, female aliens were standing.

"The Paladins of Voltron." A large, teal alien said. "The Galra Empire will pay us well for you."

"As well as any information you may give." The green one said.

"Like hell we're telling you anything!" Pidge yelled. The green alien smirked.

"You just volunteered to go first."

With that, the teal alien picked her up and dragged her off.

"Pidge!" the other Paladins screamed.

"They took Pidge." Lance whimpered. "They're going to torture Pidge."

"She's strong. She- she'll be alright." Shiro said shapely, "We need to have faith in her."

It was nearly twenty minutes before the aliens and Pidge were back. The two aliens had thrown her on the ground, neither looking particularly pleased. Pidge had fallen, unmoving.

"Pidge!" Lance yelled. "What did you do to her?" The teal alien growled.

"You're next, loud mouth."

The green one yanked Lance up by his hair and dragged him out, locking the door behind her.

"What did you do to Pidge?"

"Unfortunately, we don't know much about your species, and gave her more than she could handle. No worries, we won't make that mistake again."

Lance swallowed hard as he was forced into a chair, his arms and legs tied.

The teal alien walked behind him, and came back with a large container, like a glass milk jar, filled with a see-through red liquid.

"This is what we gave your friend. It is a generally nonlethal poison known to cause a burning sensation in the mouth and nose, chest pain, and if one has too much over a period of time it will permanently damage the bonds."

Lance bit his lip. _This_ is what they gave to Pidge?

"Open up!" The green one said with a rather demented grin. Lance held his mouth shut and glared. Then the teal one came, holding opening his mouth while the green one forced a few swallows down his throat.

Lance grimaced, sputtering as they let go of him.

Wait a sec. He knew this taste. It couldn't be…

Pidge opened her eyes and sat up the moment she heard the door close.

"Pidge!" Allura gasped, startled.

"Are you alright?" Shiro inquired, placing a hand on her shoulder.

"They didn't do anything really terrible to you, did they?" Hunk asked.

Pidge grinned and shook her head.

"I just faked being unconscious. I don't think our kidnappers know much about human biology. They gave me a drink, and told me it was poison, but-"

"Poison?!" everyone else yelled. Pidge sighed.

"Yeah, they _said_ it was poison. But then I tasted it, and the symptoms they described… it's not really a poison at all. It's good for you, but it isn't going to kill us. Especially not in the doses they're giving."

"What are they giving us?" Hunk questioned nervously. Pidge turned to him, a large, Cheshire cat grin on her face.

"Guys, all they're giving us is carbonated soda."

"You've got to be kidding." Lance muttered. "Pidge, you little drama queen."

"What was that?" the teal alien growled, "You ready to talk?"

Lance smirked.

"Sure. Come here." The teal alien leaned in.

"Closer." Lance whispered.

The alien frowned but did as he asked. Then Lance grinned, and, at the top of his lungs screamed,

"Hasta la vista, Greedo!" and headbutt her in the forehead, before standing up the best he could and making a run for it. Seriously, if you're going to tie someone to a chair, you should probably make sure they can't move the chair. Running down the halls, he found the cargo hold where the other Paladins were. He hit the lock button and grinned.

"C'mon, let's get out of here!" The other Paladins stared for a beat before they all ran out.

The Paladins sat in the lounge grinning.

"So, what was with that Corbunaatid Sota that they were feeding the two of you? Are you immune?"

"Well, from what I gathered, the effects are much less severe for us. On earth, it's served as a popular drink."

"You drink something known to have negative effects?" Coran asked, twirling his mustache.

The humans all shrugged.

"Well, it tastes good." Hunk said. The Altaens stared at him wide-eyed. Then Pidge gagged.

"No it didn't." Lance frowned at her.

"It tasted great. Just like Dr. Pepper." Pidge scrunched up her nose.

"I know. _Disgusting._ "

Lance gave dramatic gasp, placing his hand over his heart.

"You don't like Dr. Pepper?"

"Ugh. No. Mountain Dew for the win!"

"I think both are pretty good, but my favorite is Grape Fanta." Hunk said. Shiro frowned.

"I don't like any cherry or grape flavored drink, but I _love_ Root Beer." Pidge hummed.

"Root Beer is pretty good." Lance shrugged.

"Yeah, but know what's better? Cream Soda."

"Ooooooh. You've got a point." Pidge said.

"Cream Soda is amazing." Hunk stated.

"Agreed. It's my second favorite." Shiro said with a smile. Lance grinned, stood up, and raised a hand.

"I move to make Cream Soda the official carbonated drink of Voltron. All in agreement, say 'aye'!"

"Aye!"

"Aye!"

"Aye."

"All opposed, say 'nay'!"

"…"

"Great! We now have an official carbonated drink!" Allura and Coran stared while the four humans cheered.

"What just happened?"

"Honestly Princess, I'm not quite sure."


	5. Hide-and-Go-Seek Freeze Tag

Lotor, Allura, Corran, Rynar, Kolivan, and Krolia turned from their peace talks at the sound of a knock on the door.

"Enter!" Lotor called out. A Galra solider walked in.

"What is it solider?" He asked, the other leaders exchanging confused looks.

"It's the earthlings, Emperor Lotor!" The poor solider exclaimed. The other occupants of the room immediately became concerned.

"The earthlings?" Allura asked, "What happened to them?"

"We're not sure. They were perfectly fine earlier! But half of them are hiding and the other half are running around, occasionally screaming and suddenly stopping in place should they run into each other."

The leaders exchanged worried looks before running out the door- straight into Hunk.

"Oh! Hey you guys! Sorry. You don't see Shiro anywhere, do you?"

"What? No. We were looking for you all. We were told you were acting oddly and we came to see what was wrong." Allura said.

"Nothing's wrong." Hunk replied, looking rather confused.

"Than why were you acting so oddly?" Kolivan asked.

"We're not. We're playing Hide-and-Go-Seek Tag. Shiro's It."

The others stared at Hunk for a beat before Corran asked

"What?"

Hunk sighed.

"Okay, just a sec. I'm going to pause this and we'll explain."

"That would be appreciated."

Hunk turned around, facing the rest of the ship, before cupping his hands around his mouth and yelling,

"All ye, all ye, in come free!"

A moment later, Lance burst into the hallway.

"Why'd you call a stop?"

Hunk shrugged and pointed at the group of confused aliens.

"They were freaking out over what we are doing and need an explanation."

Shiro nodded as he walked over, Matt right behind him.

"That makes sense. We probably should have explained before we started."

"How were we supposed to know that they don't play Hide-and-Go-Seek Freeze Tag in space?"

Lance asked

"Shouldn't have made assumptions." Keith replied. Lance jumped and screamed, whirling around.

"Dude! Where did you come from?!"

Keith smirked and pointed at Krolia, causing the other humans to face palm.

"Not what I meant." Lance muttered. Keith looked around.

"Hey, where's Pidge?" He asked. Matt snorted.

"My sister is a demented goblin who can hide in the _freakiest_ spots. I don't- AAaRgh! Pidge! Geroff me!" Matt screamed as Pidge jumped out of a vent on to her brothers back."

"I am a queen. Not a goblin Matt."

"Still demented." He muttered.

"Well-"

"Paladins!" Allura interrupted. "You said you were going to explain?"

"Huh? Oh, right. Yeah. You guys didn't need to freak out, we were just playing a game."

"A game?" Rynar asked. Lance shrugged.

"Yeah. It's called Hide-and-Go-Seek Freeze Tag."

"How do you play?"

"Well, one person is declared 'It'. They are the seeker." Pidge said.

"Pardon?" Corran interrupted.

"The seeker. I'll explain more on that in a sec. The person who is It has to close their eyes and count, typically to ten. During that that time, everyone else has to hide. After they count to ten, the person who is it, the seeker, has to _seek_ out everyone else. That's a game itself, Hide-and-Go-Seek. But we mix it with another game, Freeze Tag. That means that once the seeker has found someone, they must tap them. If you're tapped, you have to _freeze_ in that position until someone else comes along and taps you, then you're free to go. The game ends when the person who is 'It' manages to freeze everyone."

Krolia cocked her head.

"Is this a training exercise?"

Pidge shook her head.

"No, just a kids game. It's a lot of fun though."

"You teach your children to hunt and rescue one another?" Kolivan questioned'

"What do you mean by that? It's a game." Lance responded.

"But you are tracking each other down, learning to hide from one who is tracking you, how to hunt and flee, and when to rescue a comrade." Lotor argued.

"I… never thought of it that way." Shiro said, looking stupefied.

"Yeah, I mean, I guess it teaches you that stuff. But mostly it's just fun. Unless Pidge is it. Then it's terrifying. Because she will hunt you down by dropping from the ceiling and leaping off of bookcases while screaming." Hunk said, shivers going up his back. Pidge grinned widely.

"Yes. I will. So be afraid. Be very, very, afraid."

Allura swallowed, smiled, and brushed some imaginary space dust off her dress.

"Well- well, if everything is alright, then we'll leave you to it." She said brightly, before turning around and heading back into the meeting room, the other leaders following her, occasionally shooting glances at the humans.

Pidge blinked as the door closed.

"Ooookay then. Who wants to restart the game? I call not It!" She yelled, touch her nose with her fingertip.

"Not It!"

"Not It!"

"Not It!"

"Not It!"

"Oh, come on!" Lance groaned.

"Close your eyes and start counting!" Pidge said in a sing-song voice. Lance sighed and covered his eyes.

"One… Two… Three…"


End file.
